I was in the occult, and everyone was fine with it.
Now I follow Jesus - and suddenly I'm the problem.
I wasn't sure this belonged on my business blog. For a long time I kept my faith and my work in separate corners. But then God told me to make this business His - and suddenly there were no more corners.
I've been avoiding writing this for over a year. Desperately avoiding it. But He's been right about so many other things. So here I am.
Every time I've watched someone's beautiful testimony, I thought... that could NEVER be me. What could I possibly say? What did I have to offer? No rock bottom. No burning bush. No date I can circle on a calendar. No supernatural healing. No moment where Jesus pulled me from a burning building.
But He told me to tell it anyway!
Where it all started
My grandmother passed away when I was very young. But her presence never really left. She was a Catholic woman who had a gift for clairvoyance and loved astrology - she hand-drew birth charts for people long before computers could do that sort of thing. Everything she ever charted on my birth chart came true. After she passed, one of her astrology books became mine. I was always told I looked just like her - and somewhere deep down, I think I believed I would be just like her too.
Growing up, church became a big part of my life. Lutheran. I was an acolyte, in the choir, part of youth group - I did everything you were supposed to do.
I knew the story. I just didn't know Him.
I went through the motions for years. Then I went to art school, grew up, and church faded into the background entirely. A lot of the Christians I knew seemed like hypocrites - wearing their crosses on Sunday and living completely differently the rest of the week. On long road trips I'd be the first one to mock a Christian song that came on the radio and change the station. I wanted nothing to do with any of it. Years later when I was moving, I came across a Bible someone had given me. I threw it out without thinking twice!
Deep in the New Age
The thing about the New Age is that you're always searching. Searching for purpose, for connection, for something bigger than yourself. I already loved astrology, witchy little shops, anything mystical - it felt like something I was born into. But if I'm honest, it really started the first time I had a vision. The first time I felt like I connected with someone who had passed. After that - I wanted more. I needed to understand it. I needed to go deeper.
And the deeper I went, the more it seemed like the universe was confirming it. Strangers would stop me on the street. People would pull me aside while I was waiting tables. They didn't know me, had no reason to say it - but they all said the same thing. You have a gift. And honestly? I believed it. I could feel things, know things before they happened. I had dreams about people I hadn't thought of in years, and the next day I'd find out they had passed.
I read The Secret. I made vision boards, journaled everything, practiced yoga, focused on chakras, third eye opening, kundalini, breathwork - all of it. I bought tarot cards, crystals, candles, idols. I took courses - so many courses. I fell asleep to binaural beats and self-improvement hypnosis. I dove into the science too - quantum physics, the law of attraction, the idea that energy and intention could literally shape reality. I chased angel numbers, followed moon rituals, worked on my shadow, smudged everything in sight, dove into numerology, connected with spirit guides, explored past lives. It all felt connected, logical even. I learned to lucid dream and astral project. After my dad passed, I wanted to go even deeper - to connect with the other side, to talk to him.
I thought it was good. I thought eventually I could use all of it to help people.
And here's the thing - it worked. That's why people do it. What I didn't realize then - and wouldn't for a long time - is that there's a word for all of it. The occult. I just didn't know that's what it was! And I didn't know WHY it worked. Not yet.
I thought I was my own god. And looking back, it was completely exhausting. Always another crystal, another practice, another level to unlock. I had to stay positive all the time - because if I wasn't, I'd manifest bad things. Nothing was ever enough.
And I know what you're thinking - because I thought the same thing. The occult? I'm not worshipping Satan. I'm just a good person who believes in energy and the universe. I read my horoscope, practice yoga - yes, yoga - pull cards, write my gratitude to the universe, and I'm harming nobody. I'm putting out good energy, protecting my aura, manifesting good things. Some of us are even praying to God while we're doing it - because why not? It's all connected. It's all love.
That was me. Word for word.
But here's what I didn't know - and what I wish someone had told me sooner. Satan doesn't create anything. He only imitates. He takes what belongs to God - intuition, healing, connection, purpose, even love - and repackages it into something that feels good, feels spiritual. The visions. The "gifts." The signs and synchronicities. The feeling that you're tapping into something real. He's not original. He just counterfeits. I didn't know that. I couldn't see it. And I'm not saying this to scare you or point a finger - I'm saying it because nobody told me, and I really wish they had.
I wasn't worshipping Satan. I didn't think I was. But I was opening doors I didn't know existed - and I had no idea I'd need to close them.
When everything changed
Then I was introduced to Jesus... and yeah, I had my first ever panic attack. 😅
Someone very close to me had found Jesus, and all I could think was... not this again. I had already lost someone very close to me to what was essentially a cult. I was not going through that again.
So I did what I always do - I tried to prove it wrong.
I spent a whole year trying - reading everything, watching hundreds of hours of incredibly intelligent people on both sides. Historians, scholars, atheists, theologians... debates, documentaries, testimonies. I thought the Bible was just an old book written by a hundred different men over thousands of years - basically a really bad game of telephone. Surely something that old had to have errors. I figured if I looked hard enough, I'd find the cracks.
But I couldn't prove it wrong.
The more I searched, the more everything pointed back to Him. And at some point... I just knew. I stopped fighting it. And honestly? I thought losing would feel like losing. It didn't. It felt like relief.
I got rid of everything - the crystals, the tarot cards, the books, the idols. All of it. The things I used to love, I don't even want anymore. That's what Jesus does. He changes you from the inside out. You don't just adjust your beliefs - you die to yourself. Coming to Jesus isn't just adding something good to your life. It's surrendering everything you thought you were.
I thought being my own god was freedom. It wasn't - it was exhausting. With Jesus it's just... simple. One God. One surrender. Peace.
And at the end of the day - you can't bring anything to heaven with you. Not your crystals, not your vision boards, not your possessions. The only thing you can bring are other people - and only ever through Him.
What this cost me - and what it gave me
Once I was truly saved, I heard it clearly - make your business Mine.
And I know what you're thinking... how did I know it was God? Here's what I've learned - the Holy Spirit will tell you things you'd never tell yourself. Things that don't make sense on paper. Things that go against every instinct you have. I wouldn't have rebranded my entire business on my own. That wasn't me. But I've also learned you have to be discerning - to test what you're hearing. And the way you test it is simple. If it contradicts the Bible, it's not from God. This didn't. So I obeyed.
I'm not someone who typically jumps into things. I will research something to death before I make a decision - I currently have twenty shower curtains sitting in my Amazon cart. So when I say I obeyed quickly - that meant something.
By the next day I had a new name, a new domain, a new direction. And honestly? I thought, okay. I did what You asked. Now I'll prosper.
Wrong!
I lost about half my business soon after. I lost all my SEO. I turned people off with my newfound beliefs. And honestly? Part of me wondered - is this a test? Does He want me to take it all back? But I held fast. I put my faith in Him.
And God provides. He did, in His time. He's brought the most incredible people into my life - other Christ following business owners, and families walking some of the hardest roads imaginable. Families navigating the unbearable weight of baby loss, wanting to honor both God and their heaven-side baby. They find me now in ways they never did before. I think God points them in my direction.
And out of all of it, He's called me to something I never would have imagined - Grace for Little Hearts. It's a ministry born out of this business, created to care for families walking through pregnancy and infant loss - through generosity, remembrance, and the belief that grace is meant to be shared.
This business is His. And whether you found me through faith or just found me... I'm glad you're here.
What I want you to know
I'm not here to convince you of anything. This is just my story. But if it makes you curious, or makes you want to do your own research - I hope you do.
This is what got me...
In every other religion, YOU are searching for God. With Jesus, He is searching for YOU. Every other religion tells you to do better, be better, earn your way there. Jesus says - I already did it for you.
Every other religious founder said 'follow my teachings.' Jesus said I AM the way. He didn't point to the truth. He claimed to BE it. John 14:6 - 'I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.' That's either the most arrogant thing ever said... or it's true. There's no middle ground.
And it's not even really a religion. It's a relationship.
He doesn't want your performance. Your ticket to heaven isn't based on your good deeds. He wants a relationship with you. He came down from Heaven to do for us what we could never do for ourselves. Because God is perfect and holy, and we are separated from Him by our sin. No matter how good we are, we can't fix that on our own.
But Jesus did what we couldn't. He lived the perfect life we never could, died in our place, and rose again. That's not a philosophy. That's not a self-help plan. That's a Savior! Romans 5:8 - 'God demonstrates His own love for us in this - while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.'
You don't get clean before a shower. He takes you exactly as you are.
I don't have all the answers (does anyone?)- the hard questions are still hard. But I have Him. And that's enough.
If you feel something reading this... go to Him. Right now, in this moment. You can talk to Him - no perfect words needed. Just be honest.
God, I pray You meet them right where they are. Open their eyes, soften their hearts, and draw them closer to You.
And if you ever want to talk… I'm here. 💗
With love and grace,
Kel
Abide and Grace
Rooted in faith. Covered in grace.